...The most feared event had garnered the heaviest training regime in Dick-athlon history for some dick-athletes
Most dick-athletes awoke on the morning of the event with a sense of dread.
Except one dick-athlete.
Would this be hot favourite Austin? Especially as he has a semi pro swimming background. One would have thought so.....but instead the man spoken of is named Afsar.
He had no fear, no dread and no Dick-athlon honour as he pulled out of the swimming mere hours before the event began. His reason. Some garbled nonsense about not been able to swim. This, of course, was nonsense as Mcmenamin and Clark had seen him swim during a training session days before. The REAL REASON is that Afsar believed, with such passion, that he would be the loser of the night he simply thought it wasn't worth turning up.
This is not the Dick-athlon way. Yet again, as with event 1 (darts), this foolish dick-athlete, this 'coulda been a contender', this......this......this Dick-athlon Sh!thouse brought the good name of the Dick-athlon into disrepute.
Anyway, enough of that rat, onto the event.........a bevy of pasty white bodies (and Jones) entered the pool for a warm up before heading to our pre-booked lane and the competition was off................................
(1) Austin
(1 min 7 secs .9)
Austin's semi-pro swimming action as a youth proved to be a golden ticket as he glided through the water like a shark.
(2) Flynn
(1 min 11 secs .29)
It was hotly tipped that this event would be the battle of two men. The tip was proven to be correct (kind of, as Barnish muscled in on the action like an uninvited guest) as Flynn swam home to second place just nudging Barnish into third.
(3) Barnish
(1 min 11 secs .84)
Once again Barnish proves his naysayers wrong and finished in the top half of the table. Now a hot contender for the 2009 Dick-athlon.
(4) Jones
(1 min 14 secs .17)
Like a bronzed Egyptian being chased up the nile by hungry crocodiles the sportsmanlike Jones breezed into 4th place.
(5) Lightfoot
(1 min 16 secs.47)
Like a tiny muscular aquatic mammal that was happier on land than in water it was a mid table finish for the dick-athlete most hotly tipped to win the Dick-athlon 2009.
(6) Mahoney
(1 min 28 secs.30)
The Dick-athlon middle man proved once again the distinction between good and bad. It's been a middle man.............It's been average......................It's finishing in an average position in the middle of the table once again.
(7) McMenamin
(1 min 32 secs.40)
Wearing some speedos which looked like they had a f@nny at the front, Mcmenamin looked the part and thankfully waved goodbye to the loser suit, his "old friend" by finishing 7th.
(8) Duckworth
(1 min 32 secs.60)
The hairybacked Austrian did well for a large man but could only manage 8th place.
(9) Clark
(1 min 50 secs)
Swam that badly it was described by Barnish as "watching someone swim through custard."
(10) Cundall
(1 min 54 secs.35)
The current dick-athlete champion knew he was in for a bad night. It was to be a battle between himself and Clark; an equally poor swimmer. On the night it was Cundall who was to wear the loser suit.
(11) Afsar
(Minus 4)
The Rat. No comment.