.....On the night of Sunday 25th October 2009 an epic battle took place between good (Flynn) and evil (Barnish) and those in the middle (Mahoney and some other fellas).
All players were given pseudonyms by The semi-drunk Chairman before balls were rolled. Most were greeted with guffaws and giggles. Some...well one..was treated with guffaws and giggles by most but furious anger by some (well one) and was promptly changed. To protect the innocent from reoccurring furious anger, this pseudonym name will not be reproduced on this e-mail.
The game was split into alleys.
(Top Alley)
The cream of the crop played on one lane.
(Shit Alley)
The middleman, garbage and a sh!thouse played on the other.
(please note that the players in Sh!t alley had a running battle with the Lakeside 'lanesmen' to sort out the faulty lane. This reached a head in the second game and the Sh!t alley rollers were moved to the lane previously occupied by the cream of the crop)
A number of Dick-athlete wags were also invited. Some believe that this sets a dangerous precedent. Let's hope its a one off. A dick-athlete event is no place for women....or that hobbit the Dick-athlon Sh!thouse turned up at event 1 with.
As tension mounted the balls were rolled and the results were as follows..........................
Barnish (2nd Most Hated)(arrogantly written by Barnish)
1st score 124
2nd score 159
Total 283
Nervous aplenty on the evening with Barnish knowing this could be a wasted joker based on practice scores. On his last three outings to the Lakeland bowling dome centre he scored an average 237 on each occasion. With the shakes and the beer sweats from the session the night before and man standing near him with a half empty briefcase he started with an atrocious 3. From this point though the nervousness fell away and was arrogantly quoted as saying its just like taking a penalty "which i never miss!" when faced with a split, spared achieved and arrogance levels upped Barnish never looked back. A run of strike/spare/strike/strike/strike/spare/strike took him to victory.
Moment of the night: spinning/turning Ernie McCracken strike which was chalked off Cundall's score to reset the broken machine. Cundall gave the operator 10 minutes to remove the strike or he was keeping it....it was removed after 9 minutes
Lightfoot (Lighty) (arrogantly written by Barnish)
1st score 117
2nd score 136
Total 253 (4 strikes)
Lightfoot also playing his joker on the evening started like a man needing to win to take the title. If results went his way he could of been crowned the 2009 Champion on the evening. Up the stakes in the second game by beginning with two strikes and looked set to win the evening but tailed away with the pressure and finished second leaving him one point ahead at the top of the Leaderboard with all to play for at poker.
Moment of the night: Telling Barnish to tweak his action when he was struggling and looking set to lose. Barnish tweaked his action and went on to win.
Flynn (Dicks Dick) (arrogantly written by Barnish)
1st score 137
2nd score 116
Total 253 (3 strikes)
There are no more superlatives to describe this man. His wristy action caused some people to shout for bio-mechanic test to be taken on his unorthodox action. Its starts wide and slow and breaks in towards the pins. Not once but twice did he gutterball the first ball but pick up a spare with the second ball. If only he could of produced the sort of form with the first ball he did with the second he would no doubt of been looking down on the rest.
Moment of the night: Mainly his non farting was a triumph for all those around him. We can only prey before each event he doesn't partake in the consumption of beans...His main moment was his gutterball/halfstrike combination.
Cundall (Most Hated)(arrogantly written by Barnish)
1st score 117
2nd score 130
Total 247
Touted alongside the dick-athlon cheat as the favourite for the event. In practice had consistently scored highly and tonight was hoping for much of the same. However the nerves of a big crowd and the expectation showed at the start and it was not until the 6th frame that he recorded a strike. Only two strikes on the evening show his struggles with the pressure. 9 seems to be Cundall's magic number as there was always one pin waving back as the ball rolled past with a missed opportunity at a spare. This placing means that Cundall is now out of the race for the 2009 Championship.
Moment of the night: Cundall's attempts to set a time limit for removal of erroneous strike on his score were in vain as it was removed just in time.
Clark (Chairman)
1st score 107
2nd score 128
Total 235
Clark knew that he had to better last year's score of 159. Anything less than 100 on each game would result in failure. Not only on the night but it would edge him closer to wearing the loser suit on the Dick-athlon 2009 awards night. It appears that, for once in 2009, practice paid off for Clark as he rolled himself into a midtable position, but most importantly away from the loser suit, both on the event night and the Awards Night.
Moment of the night: The realisation that, despite being sh!t at everything he would not be wearing the loser suit on the Dick-athlon Awards night..
Jones (Mohammed) (arrogantly written by Barnish)
1st score 114
2nd score 113
Total 227
After many racist slurs by Chairman Mugabe, this no doubt played on Jones' mind and affected his performance. Consistently scored in both games but only scored his first strike in the final frame on the first game, tells the tale of it own. Scored a spare and strike at the start of the second game but something must of happened in his fag break with the dick-athlon cheat as he returned to his lackluster ways and achieved no more strikes on the evening. Looked set to complete a top five finish for the whole lane but Chairman Mugabe had different ideas and Jones dropped in with the group of also-rans.
Moment of the night: The horrible realisation that The Chairman had beaten him.
Duckworth (Alpine Man)
1st score 80
2nd score 144
Total 224
A terrible first game looked set to topple Duckworth's confidence from the top of his 8 foot 3 inch frame but like a phoenix from the flames he rescued the disaster with a storming second game.
Moment of the night: The redemption of the second game where Duckworth almost doubled the score of his first.
Austin (Cheat)
1st score 97
2nd score 115
Total 212
There was a time when Austin was KING OF THE WORLD at this event. Even during training Austin's perfect bowling action and high scores put the fear into other Dick-athletes. Yet, these fears proved to be unfounded as the King of Nicotine rolled a decidedly average score home. Was inconsolable after the event.
Moment of the night: The realisation that bringing your bird with you to an event will put you off an ensure a terrible performance.
Mahoney (Middleman)
1st score 68
2nd score 114
Total 182
After finishing almost level with McMenamin in the first game, one could almost hear Mahoney's sphincter tighten. Yet a competent roll in game 2 ensured that he was to be out of the loser suit and able to go home and lie to his kids..."Yeah, I won...your Dad's a champ....Now go to bed and don't ever ask me about it again"
Moment of the night: The devastating news that he had finished below his beloved mid-table placing in an event.
Afsar (Sh!thouse)
1st score 97
2nd score 81
Total 178
Surely a sign of Karma is that Afsar's sh!thouse behaviour at the last event resulted in his shocking result at ten pin bowling and (supposedly) hurting his leg due to his bowling style. 2nd best bowling action of the night. 2nd only to Austin. Unfortunately points are not awarded for this.
Moment of the night: Blaming his atrocious performance on a bad leg.
Mcmenamin (Absolutely no name was given to Mcmenamin. No name at all. None. Nada.)
1st score 67
2nd score 86
Total 153
Mcmenamin had had more than enough of his 'old friend'. Surely he would not be reintroduced to the parasitic suit after this event!! Especially as he had practised over the previous weeks to achieve a half decent score. Unfortunately for Mcmenamin it was not to be and his 'old friend' rose up like the symbiant Venom to attach itself to Kev's person with the only glimmer of hope being downing 2 pints to release it.
Moment of the night: Kicking the chute that the ball returns to after a particularly bad bout of bowling.