...A Farmer, A Waiter, A Grass, Oafs, Louts and Horses.
The journey to Newcastle races was an arduous one for dick-athletes Afsar, Clark, Cundall and Mcmenamin. Chiefly because neither Cundall or Clark had bothered to bring directions or the postcode and thought that putting 'Newcastle' in the Sat. Nav. would lead directly to the Travelodge in Gateshead. It didn't.
That said the journey soon passed, thanks to the intellectual conundrums posed by Afsar such as What to choose between 'Terminator 2' and 'D-Tox' if they're on TV at the same time, and moments of inspirational genius such as "I nailed a sl@g last year" whilst in mid yawn.
Upon arrival it was with great honour to the tradition of the Dick-athlon 2009 that the loser of the last event, Barnish, had remembered, and was still wearing, the loser suit. If only Clark had not been as forgetful and brought his shirt for the evening. Tense times for Clark as minus 2 points were around the corner for not complying with the dress code. Thankfully Duckworth came as a farmer and Afsar as a Waiter to save the day. All were considered to fall within the boundaries of the dress code and the minus 2 points were left in the air for another dick-athlete to collect the following day...........more of that below.
After a welcome pint and meal it was off to the races......and the results were as follows:
Duckworth + £27.50
'Every Loser Wins' sang the Soap TV actor Nick Berry...and he was right!!! Bottom of the leaderboard Duckworth proved that dressing like a farmer does indeed work when studying the form of farm animals. In this case big horses. Still languishing at the bottom of the table despite the big win.
Mahoney + £21.88
The sadness of not attending event 4 (clay pigeon shooting) was not apparent on Mahoney's face at this event as his prize money ensured a second place. Best dressed man of the event.
Lightfoot +£18.33
Lightfoot returns to his consistent third place finishing after his disaster at event 4 (clay pigeon shooting). Was looking to be finishing at the bottom on the day until the last two races when his horses thundered home to victory.
Barnish +£17.92
Barnish's successful results at this event ensures he moves up to third place on the leaderboard and closes in on the top two; ever closer to defending his crown as Dick-athlete champion.
Flynn + £8.70
A mid table result for Mr. Flynn. Mahoney believes there is a small skunk alive in Flynn's belly. This may, or may not, explain his mid table position and disastrous result at Event 3 (Go-Karting) as he struggles with the beast within.
Cundall -£0.70
The current Dick-athlon 2009 leader held on to the top of the leaderboard with his mid table position at this event. After been at the top for four events Cundall is holding the record with Austin for longest time at the top of a Dick-athlon.
Jones -£2.50
Although not all the horses came in for this year's newcomer, he continues to hold a steady place in the top half of the leaderboard.
Austin -£8.60
Austin's inability to understand the score sheet meant that this event may have had to go to a stewards enquiry to ascertain the placings of the horses, but by the last two races it didn't matter as that all important win happened and Austin was kept from the loser's league of Clark, Afsar and Mcmenamin. Strong suspicion of score sheet been smoked on one of his anti social jaunts with Jones.
Clark -£15.00 (2 horses finished 2nd)
Attempting to live by Cantona's saying "He who never rolls the dice can never roll a six", Clark played his joker................. And rolled a 1. Now a joint record holder along with Duckworth (event 4) and Flynn (event 3) as worst Joker ever played. Accusations from other dick-athletes as grass like behaviour when he wasn't let into the posh paddock were firmly denied by Clark.
Afsar -£15.00 (1 horse finished 2nd - 1 horse finished 3rd)
Afsar proved again that the further the Dick-athlon is removed from the safehaven of a pub the further his performance deteriorates. His dropping of four points in an event he was considered to be the favourite (event 1 - Darts) may haunt him still more than we know. Or maybe it's the tough choices in life that occupies his troubled mind.......'Terminator 2' or 'D-Tox??'
Mcmenamin -£15.00 (2 horses finished 3rd)
"What a falling off was there........." Hamlet Act 1. Scene 5
The winner of event 4 had a long way to fall with this event. The horses, nay The Gods, were against Mcmenamin on this bitter evening. The following day saw a further slump in Mcmenamin's Dick-athlon 2009 championship hopes.
Due to a contravening of the Dick-athlon 2009 law Mcmenamin was docked 2 points. The offence: The loser's suit was removed before the allocated time agreed by the dick-atheletes. It was an emotional time for Mcmenamin and one that he most probably does not want to revisit. However, for those Dick-athlete's not present I share with you the events leading to the removal of the Dick-athlon 2009 Loser's Suit............
Afsar, Clark, Cundall and Mcmenmin stopped off for a bite to eat at a quaint North Yorkshire pub
Mcmenamin: "I'm not entering this establishment with this on. I'll look an idiot. Come on lads the other dick-athletes aren't even here!!"
Afsar, Clark, Cundall: "THAT SUIT STAYS ON"
Mcmenamin: "This is ridiculous"
Outside the pub
Clark: "Kev, hold on, let me just get a picture of you walking in to prove to the others you had it on"
Mcmenamin: "Clark, for God's sake...you're behaving like a lout!!!"
Upon entering the pub and at the bar area
Mcmenamin (under breath): "For fu<k's sake!! I look like a mechanic!!"
Afsar, Clark and Cundall: Uncontrollable, tears streaming down face, belly hurting laughter
Mcmenamin: "Seriously guys, this isn't funny. Will you stop it, we look like idiots."
Cundall: "Kev, have you fixed my car yet"
Mcmenamin: "I'll fix you!!"
Afsar, Clark and Cundall: Uncontrollable, tears streaming down face, belly hurting laughter
Clark (loud enough so rest of pub can hear): "Kev, why on earth did you put that outfit on"
Mcmenamin: (storming out of the pub): "Fu<k this!!!"
Afsar, Clark and Cundall: Uncontrollable, tears streaming down face, belly hurting laughter
5 minutes later Mcmenamin re-entered the pub without the Dick-athlon 2009 Loser's Suit on
Mcmenamin: "Right seriously, we're in a nice pub, everyone's looking at us and I'm really embarrassed by our behaviour"
Afsar, Clark and Cundall: Uncontrollable, tears streaming down face, belly hurting laughter "Minus 2, Jesus, ha ha ha Minus 2"
Mcmenamin: (storming out of the pub again): "Fu<k this!!!"
Mcmenamin was not to return to the pub. Afsar rang him and found that Mcmenamin was out clearing his head and was adamant that Clark and Cundall had behaved like "Oafs".
One wishes Mcmenamin the best and hopes this experience hasn't hurt his Dick-athelon 2009 prospects and experiences too much.
Words by Phil Clark
