The dick-athletes got underway after leaving a full hour after the intended set off time. This was mainly due to Barnish's bad time keeping and inconveniently timed dump at Duckworth's.

 After the dick-athletes finally arrived Cundall and Mcmenamin were eager to begin as they weren't camping and wanted to get back. It is debatable as to whether the other dick-atheletes, who were staying over, cared as they took about an hour to have beers, set up their tents, blow up dinghys and an inflatable Spider-man, had crisps and butties, got changed and revealed the newly purchased Dick-athlon Winner's jacket. 

 So after all dick-athletes had assembled by the Coniston lake edge it was time for the event to get underway. Conditions were a little choppy to start with but as the event continued the water calmed and the sun began to fight it's way through the clouds.

 The results were as follows:

 (1) Barnish

1 min 52.00 Secs (2nd attempt)

Last year’s winner edges closer to the top of the table. He just beat Jones to become champion of the canoe challenge and the wearer of the newly acquired winner’s jacket. Post-arrogance from this dick-athlete puts him in contention for the most unpopular dick-athlete of the year award.

 (2) Jones

1 min 53.00 Secs (2nd attempt)

Plagued with controversy regarding his entrance into the Dick-athlon, Jones wiped away the tears and proved to his naysayers that he is worthy of the title ‘dick-athlete’ as he completed the canoe challenge in second place. For much of the time was leading the competition until Barnish came to steal the title from under his nose.

 (3) Flynn

2 min 01.00 Secs (2nd attempt)

Flynn’s determination to wipe away last year’s memories of his lengthy period at the bottom of the table proved fatal…for the oar!!  His power and anger to finish strongly in this event resulted in a ‘snap’ to an integral part of the oar. Tensions were high. There were shouts of rematch, there were suggestions of simply taking our first scores and there was one suggestion from Cundall about re-doing the event in the canal!!!! Luckily the new boy Jones (eager to please the regular dick-athletes, some of who still question his validity in the Dick-athlon) raced into the campsite and acquired an oar from a bloke who was told we would have it no longer than 30 mins.  We had it about an 60.

 (4) Austin

2 min 05.05 Secs (2nd attempt)

Despite falling in on his first attempt, Austin soon turned the event round in his favour to a respectable finishing time. Although, yet again, controversy was hot on Austin’s tail as he narrowly beat Lightfoot by less than a second. Lightfoot raised grievances around the recording of times due to his 5th position placing.

 (5) Lightfoot

2 min 05.06 Secs (2nd attempt)

Yet again Lightfoot proves that he is on for a successful Dick-athlon campaign as his result means he holds his position at second place on the Dick-athlon leaderboard. The narrow result between Lightfoot and Austin saw a ‘McEnroe’ being thrown by Lightfoot as he questioned the validity of the scoring methods.

 (6) Mahoney

2 min 11.00 Secs (2nd attempt)

When it comes to being mediocre Mahoney is proving hard to beat in this year’s Dick-athlon. Despite a blip (finishing 2nd) at the last event Mahoney is back in what appears to be his favourite place at the middle of the scoreboard with a mediocre finishing time.

 (7) Clark

2 min 17.05 Secs (2nd attempt)

A poor result once again for this dick-athlete.  With nothing to blame other than his stamina and inability to find the rowing rhythm, Clark crawled home to 7th place in the rowing challenge. Despite the terrible placing was the only dick-athlete to move up the leaderboard. After the inverse racial abuse at the hands of Afsar (Look at how white your legs are!!!) it is a miracle this dick-athlete found the inner strength to compte at all.

  (8) Cundall

2 min 21.04 Secs (1st attempt)

The current Dick-athlon leader was the only dick-athlete not to best his first attempt. Some sceptics would say that this was due to the change of oar after Flynn’s destruction of the original, but there are others (every other dick-athlete present) who says it made no difference as the other dick-atheles who used this oar obliterated their original time. Despite Cundall’s worse performance this year he remains on top of the Dick-athlon leaderboard and beats Austin’s previous record of 4 events at the top.

 (9) Duckworth

2 min 22.09 Secs (1st attempt)

After seeing Duckworth dress as Austrian Man and a Farmer in previous events the dick-athletes were excepting something special from Duckworth's water based attire. Unfortunately they were let down, much in the same way Duckworth was let down by his performance. Although the results didn't go in his favour, and he now has a new record as dick-athelete who has spent the longest amount of time at the bottom of the table consecutively, Duckworth's efforts in securing and purchasing a winner's jacket deserve a special positive mention.

 (10) Mcmenamin

2 min 30.07 Secs (1st attempt)

A poor performance from Mcmenamin. And the rowing wasn't that good either. Despite pulling some of the scariest faces seen from a dick-athlete as he raced to the finish line, the times recorded were not good, but they proved just enough to keep him out of the loser suit. Although, he was nearly back in it when it transpired he’d left his fellow dick-athletes in the wild for some bird he’d met 3 days earlier.

 (11) Afsar

3 min 02.02 Secs (2nd attempt)

From Afsar’s results at the canoe challenge it appears water based dick-athlon events are not his forte. From falling out of the canoe, to canoeing the wrong way to holding the oar incorrectly to been carried away by the current….Afsar was quite frankly not suited to this event. This we subsequently found to be even more accurate when it transpired that he had only brought the clothes he was wearing. Luckily for him he could remove his soaking garments and slip straight into the loser suit. The only dick-athlete to move down the table at this event.